The Grocery Store Response

Why we need to be more honest when asked the question "how are you today?"

We've all been there, you get up to the front of the checkout at the grocery store and the clerk begins scanning your items and says:

"How are you today?"

Without even thinking about it, your reply follows, "I'm fine thanks, you?"

And that's the way it goes. Every single time.

When was the last time you actually thought about your response to that question? Moreover, when was the last time you actually meant it? It has become second nature for us to give a cookie cutter answer to a question that should be given a lot more weight in our society.

The reasons why we respond this way can vary: we're tight on time and don't want to spill our truths to a stranger, we don't want to burden someone else with our problems, we don't want to draw undue attention to ourselves, we don't even think about it and it just comes out, or we say it because that's what we've been socialized to do. We keep everything surface level so as to not disrupt social norms nor our own comfort zone. We don't just do this with perfect strangers ringing in our produce either, we supply this retort to our family, friends, neighbours, spouses, and colleagues too.

Grocery Store Responses lack vulnerability and social awareness. They are social safety nets we use to keep ourselves and others at a distance.

Well, it's about time we changed that.

Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating for you to transform the poor 16 year old behind the till into your new therapist for the next 20 minutes by unloading your life story. Please don't do that. Rather, let us focus on cutting out the above "Grocery Store Response" with our inner circles.

We're all guilty of it. I can think of multiple times in the past week that I've copped out of being vulnerable and honest with my support network because it was "easier" or I was "tired" and didn't want to get into it. We default to these socialized safety nets of "fine", "good", and "not bad". Regardless of what we are actually feeling, we answer in a predictable, familiar, and detached way. Not only does this not benefit our own mental health (by concealing our true feelings), it creates distance between us and those closest to us.

Brené Brown, a renowned shame and vulnerability researcher, speaks often about the importance of vulnerability in establishing and deepening connections (her Ted Talks are great, as is her Netflix special, as are her books - basically, if you don't know her work, you should change that). She highlights the need to show up and be seen through our vulnerability.

But being vulnerable can be scary and is often quite uncomfortable. It requires elements of risk, uncertainty (i.e. how the other person will react), and emotional exposure. This can be a difficult challenge for someone with good mental health to undertake, let alone someone who may be suffering.

So if it's scary and hard, why should I do it?

Because often the things most challenging in life are the most rewarding and that doesn't change when we talk about our mental health. Like anything, there will be growing pains, but it is important to be persistent. You will occasionally default back to the old "Grocery Store Responses", but don't let that deter you from trying vulnerability next time.

While letting others know how we are truly feeling can feel strange at first, overtime you will notice a shift in how your body reacts to being vulnerable. As with everything else, practice makes progress (remember, perfection doesn't exist). Maybe the butterflies in your stomach will be a little less rambunctious, maybe your palms will be a little less sweaty, or maybe your heart will feel a little less like it's going to pound right out of your chest. But as you practice vulnerability and being honest in your response when someone asks you "how are you doing?" you will notice an ease will start to set in.

I remember the first time I responded honestly to that question and how it took the other person aback. A long-time friend called to catch up on the phone and started the conversation off with the traditional: "how's it going?" I responded in a not-so-traditional manner along the lines of "really not great, I'm feeling rundown and worn out. I'm drowning and I don't know what to do." I was greeted by a solid seven seconds of silence. That's a long time for dead air on the phone, especially in response to vulnerability. Now, it wasn't like she was unfamiliar with this sort of talk as we often share our rawest feelings, but she certainly was not used to it as an opener.

When she did finally respond, we had one of the most deep and connected conversations of our long-standing friendship. It amazed even myself just how much of a difference was made to both our conversation and our bond, just by changing my response to that one question we all ask and get asked countless times a day.

And you know what? If she had not responded positively that would have been okay too. Would it have hurt? Absolutely. Would that have damaged our friendship? Probably. But at least then I would have known. That interaction would show me one of two things: that she is not someone I want to share those things with going forward and is maybe someone I should divest some of my emotional investment from or, if she is someone I want to have a meaningful relationship with, knowing that I would have to address that with her. Either way, growth manifests when we are vulnerable.

Vulnerability doesn't always mean something heavy either, just something that is raw and true. That could be that you had an awesome day, something great really happened to you, and now you feel great. Sharing that joy and that unbridled happiness can be just as much of a bonding moment as sharing your lowest points. Your loved ones want to see you succeed so don't shy away from allowing them to share in your triumphs. You'll both feel better and closer for it.

So why does flipping the script on "The Grocery Store Response" make such a difference?

Well, there are multiple reasons:

1. It disrupts the normative pattern we have all fallen into with our interaction and change spurs growth.

2. We spend so much of our lives these days crafting near-perfect responses and portraying specific versions of ourselves to the world. It is liberating, humanizing, and incredibly relatable when we let those guards down, which is why we all benefit from these acts of vulnerability.

3. Taking a risk and showing our true feelings to those we care about lets us bond on a shared foundation of trust.

4. Being genuine and honest with our emotions when we are asked how we are doing is an opportunity for us to checkin with ourselves rather than checking out with the detached response. It is an intentional choice that makes us more aware of our mental wellbeing.

5. It makes for more stimulating conversations; cutting out the empty socialized pre-amble and getting right into what matters. As a result, both individuals are more engaged and emotionally invested into the conversation and each other.

6. Human beings thrive on connection; we're social creatures. With so much of our lives now revolving around LED screens, it seems rather wasteful to spend our limited face-to-face interactions barely skimming the surface of meaningful connection. Try to make the most of the time you have to connect with each other and strengthen your bond without all the "fluff" thrown in.

I'll leave you with one last quote from Brené Brown. Lets keep smashing the stigma and finding the way back to each other.

Go bravely and be vulnerable, dear warriors.