A first-hand account of the pits of depression.
What does it feel like when you sink lower than low? When the pitch-black darkness becomes even darker? When you watch helplessly as the final threads of feeling slip through your fingers and you're left with... nothing?
Sure, logically you're not actually left with nothing.
You have loved ones who care about you and your well-being. You have strengths; things that you are objectively good at. Maybe you have a pet who loves and depends on you. Maybe you have a job you enjoy (or used to when you knew what it meant to "enjoy" things; now you're just really good at pretending). You have things "going for you"...
But, how do you explain that to the parasite in your brain that is stripping the joy, purpose, and feeling from your existence? As you scream, voicelessly, into the void:
"Wait! I still want to feel. I still want to care. I'll take the hurt over nothing. I'll take the pain over nothing. I'll take anything over nothing."
But the darkness doesn't care.
It's best friends with emptiness and it invites it everywhere it goes. Together, they move in and make themselves at home.
That's when the apathy sets in. When every day you wake up is coloured by a muted shade of despondency. A disconnection from everything and everyone you once loved. Even the things you once hated are now 50 shades of bland. Nothing matters.
Your interactions feel empty and devoid of meaning - not a reflection of those you interact with, but a complete mirror of the hollowness consuming you from the inside out. Smiles that once grew genuinely are now plastered on in an empty gesture of social compliance. Because you know that you should, even though you feel that you can't. The actual act of smiling feels like an affront to your face and a blatant deception of the receiver. But you paint the mask on anyways.
Invites from friends go unanswered because why would you ever subject anyone to being around you? Not that you feel like anyone actually cares anyways. Why would they when you have nothing to offer them? Plus, it's not like you have any energy left after getting the bare minimum of your obligations done in a day (if you even accomplish that) to socialize and pretend to be a socially acceptable version of the shell you now inhabit.
You use this mindset to pull away; "ostrich-ing" your way into complete and total isolation. Because the only time you feel marginally at home is when you are alone with your new roommates - darkness and emptiness. Because when you isolate yourself, you remove the stimuli that remind you that you are incapable of feeling anything but complete apathy.
Even sadness, despair, and loneliness have lost their warmth.
Beyond the emotional despondency, there is a complete disappearance of motivation that teams up with your physical lack of energy to make you utterly paralyzed. Once simple tasks like getting out of bed, having a shower, making a meal for yourself, all become seemingly insurmountable obstacles to overcome. Forget trying to focus on the to-do list that keeps piling up... even the bare essentials to keep yourself alive are daunting. And deeper plunges the spiral into the dark abyss.
Down here everything is cold. Everything is barren. Nothing but the dull echo of what you once knew fills the void. But even that isn't something you're convinced you ever truly felt.
Because it does that, you see. Not only does it take away what you feel in the moment, but also what you think you used to feel. Suddenly those memories don't belong to you anymore and you're left with nothing.
THIS is the place below rock bottom. This is the depth below the darkness.
Depression is a terrible disease. In its deepest depths, it expands beyond loneliness and into the land of desolation - completely destructing everything in its path.
If you are struggling, I see you, I hear you, and - in whatever way I'm still capable of - I feel you. Please know that despite what the monster in your head is telling you, you are not alone in this.
Reach out - I know it is the LAST thing you want to do, I know... But as my therapist said to me today in our "get things done" session (in which she basically forces me to do essential things off my to-do list while I cry profusely about how "useless" I am because y'all know this shit isn't getting done on "my own time"):
Sometime's you have to trick yourself into doing the things you just don't want to. One thing at a time.
That includes staying alive.
And sometimes, it really helps to have someone to guide you through that journey. So please, reach out. To someone - a friend, family member, doctor, counsellor, trusted colleague... anyone.
You ARE worth the effort to claw your way back out of the darkness. You are worthy. You just have to trick yourself into getting a helping hand until you can believe that for yourself.
Keep clawing, warriors. We've got this. xo
And just in case...
The LifeLine Canada Foundation is a great resource and here is a full list of Suicide Prevention Hotlines around the world.
You matter. You're important. We need you here.
