A How-To Guide For Those Struggling With Mental Illness On Surviving The New Year's Hype.
It's that time of the year again.
The time when your Instagram home page is a constant stream of everyone's "Top Nine" and you can't scroll through your Facebook newsfeed without seeing a recap of all the amazing things everyone and their dog did this year.
It's pretty easy to get into a slump seeing the highlight reels of your network's past year parading across your screen everywhere you look.
Now, if you've posted one of those or you're working on it... GOOD FOR YOU! Post the damn thing. I think it's great that so many people are taking the time to reflect upon the year they've had and celebrate their accomplishments. This post isn't about shaming that behaviour.
This post is, however, a little different than your typical New Year's Eve blog.
This is for the person who is seeing those social media posts and beating themselves up because their mind's video playback doesn't match up to someone else's highlight reel.
This is for the person who sees their friend's unfathomably long list of accomplishments over the past year and is happy for them yet sad for themselves because they didn't accomplish nearly as much.
This is for the person who looks at the collages of smiling faces and international trips and whose heart aches because mood disorders and anxiety don't look as pretty in nine squares.
This is for the person who looks back at their past year and tries to see the light that danced through it, but can only see the darkness that overshadowed it.
This is for the person who tries to create their own "I'm so proud of what I did this year" post, but gets stuck because all they feel they did was survive.
This is for you.
First of all - CONGRATULATIONS!
You did it. You survived. Another year has come and gone and you made it. That, my friend, is no small feat.
Think of all the times you felt like giving up. Of all the times you were curled on rock bottom, but stood again. Or if you didn't stand, you crawled, but you kept moving.
Maybe you didn't take that trip, write that book, meet that person, get that job, or whatever else it may have been, but you made it here. To this moment. To today.
You went through the lowest of the lows. Endured things that no person should ever have to. Fought and fought hard. You found the strength to keep going even when you thought you couldn't. Stayed lit even when the world tried to snuff out your fire. That makes you one hell of a badass.
There's your highlight reel.
As for your "Top Nine"?
I want you to go through your phone and pick out nine pictures from this past year that make you feel something good... joy, love, light, laughter, etc. It can be a selfie from a day you were really feeling yourself, a photo of your pet, a screenshot of a quote that speaks to you, a picture of a person who makes you feel safe, or legitimately any photo that warms your heart.
Pick out those nine photos and create a folder on your phone with just those photos.
Now you don't have to post them (but, of course, you can) - these photos are to serve as a reminder to you that even though there were dark days, there were (and are) still things that made holding on seem worthwhile.
In this next year, whenever you are having a particularly rough time, I want you to go back to this folder and look at these nine pictures. These nine things that speak to you. These nine reasons to keep going. They got you through this past year and they will help get you through the next.
Below is one of my "Top Nine", my fur angel and easily the main reason I'm still here to write this post.
Now, one of the hardest things for those struggling with mental illness, especially around the start of the new year, is the abundance of posts and quotes that suggest the only thing you need to do to create a better life is to will it into existence.
This kind of ableist philosophy can be particularly damaging to those of us with mental illness as it suggests that the reason we aren't "living our best lives" is because we're not putting out enough good vibes and so, therefore, it is our fault we are struggling.
By that logic, the reason that you had a not-so-great year last year was not because you were struggling with a crippling illness, but because you weren't wishing hard enough for all the things you wanted to happen to you. With the "like attracts like" line of thinking, it's not a far stretch to then assume that you actually manifested your mental illness and brought it and all the negativity that accompanies it into your life. So really, last year was all your fault and next year will be too.
Obviously, this is not the case.
Hundreds of studies have proven the chemical and biological routes of mental illness so nothing you did or didn't do caused you to suffer, but being subjected to this same message that inherently suggests we are the reason we're not "manifesting" a better life can be extremely draining and damaging to one's psyche.
When you're struggling it can seem like the most impossible thing in the world to try to think a positive thought, let alone hope for a positive life. That is in NO way your fault.
Then there are the quotes that are choice-centric (i.e. choose to be happy) that make those struggling with mental illness feel even more inept.
Mental illness is not a choice so surrounding, for example, a depressed person with quotes that say "choose to be happy" isn't going to help them, it's going to make them feel worse and more trapped in their situation.
No matter how well-meaning the ableist quotes may be, being surrounded by the constant barrage will subconsciously wear down a mental illness warrior and compound their negative self-talk (i.e. "Clearly if this is working for other people, there must be something wrong with me.").
If someone you love is struggling with mental illness, please avoid sending them or tagging them in quotes that centre agency and manifestation as the foundation for living a positive life as well as the ones that state positive feelings are easily achieved by simply choosing to feel them. While your intention is to help, the effect will be the opposite.
Mental illness warriors place enough blame on themselves and carry incredible guilt surrounding their mental illness and the idea that their suffering is somehow their fault (which, as aforementioned, it is scientifically proven not). They don't need to be constantly told by a society that it is their fault they are feeling this way too, nor do they need people who are supposed to be a safe place reminding them of these pervasive ideals.
Instead, send your loved one inclusive quotes that highlight empathy, strength, endurance, and light in a non-blaming format. Or better yet, send them a message in your own words about how proud you are that they are fighting so hard each day, how you are there for them in whatever way they need you to be, or how you may not understand completely but you are willing to listen. These words will help far more than any dime store philosophy ever could.
While I can't fix every quote that is out there, I can try to create quotes and a safe place for those who struggle with mental illness to find comfort and hope.
Words that create an up-lifting and safe space without compounding the feelings of guilt and negative self-talk people who suffer from mental illness endure. So that is what I will continue to do in this new year with Dancing With Darkness on Instagram and online.
If you need a safe place where you feel understood, if you crave a quote that lifts you up instead of makes you feel like more of victim of your illness, or if you just need a distraction from it all and want to look at a cute puppy picture or two that is what I will strive to provide.
That is my promise to you.
Now, I need you to do something for me...
Even if you feel like you did absolutely nothing except barely hang on this year, I want you to try to objectively look at your year and make a list of everything you did. Try to take any negative self-talk out of the equation and write anything that comes to mind down. Items on the list can be something as seemingly simple as "I refilled my medications when my prescriptions were up" or "I made it to work on time every day this week" or "I cleaned my apartment".
Objectively look back and recount all of your "little" successes (which, lets be real, are pretty damn big when you're feeling barely able to get out of bed on any given day). Write down any achievements (i.e. got a new job, adopted a pet, kept a plant alive all year, etc.) Recount moments where you laughed. Remember days you spent with people you love. Make a list and keep this list somewhere safe.
I promise you there are a lot more things that you accomplished than you think.
AND you did all of this while battling a life-threatening illness. If that's not a warrior, I don't know what is.
Put this list of badass-ness somewhere you can easily access it on days when you need a little more support and help believing in yourself. Title it something that makes you smile or boosts your self-confidence like "Proof I'm A Bad-Ass". These visual affirmations of our worth can be a huge help in self-care and battling mental illness.
You are not alone, my friend. We're in this together.
If you find yourself feeling unsafe at all during this particularly trying time of the year (or any time for that matter) please reach out.
To me, to a loved one, to your doctor, to your therapist, or a crisis helpline.
Now, read this three times out loud to yourself:
I am not alone.
I am a warrior.
I will continue to fight.
I am loved.
I deserve to be here.
I am allowed to take up space.
I am needed.
I am worthy.
I am enough just as I am.
My wish for you is that this new year brings with it light, peace, and strength. That you are slowly able to regain you ability to see yourself as the light that you are and not as the darkness that consumes you. That you can begin to identify and confront the lies your mental illness forces to see as your reality. That you can have the strength to rise again and again. That you are able to look at your battle wounds and the scars that linger as testaments to your inherent badass-ness and the beauty in your strength.
You were enough last year and you will be enough in this new year... no matter what. Go gently, fellow warrior.
xo
DWD