An Insider's Perspective On The Lows Of Living With Mental Illness.
Angry tears. Sad tears. Empty tears.
Screaming fits. Angry outbursts. Deflection. Projection.
Self-loathing. Self-harm. Self-imploding. Self-destruction.
Avoidance. Withdrawal. Isolation.
These are all behaviours, emotions, and reactions that find themselves a cozy home in those struggling with mental illness. They prefer dark, damp, dingy locales where they can flourish and grow... Feeding upon themselves to breed more despair.
It's a house party of sorts: in the mind of its host with all the worst kinds of characters in attendance, causing a ruckus and destroying the home around them.
This place that those struggling with mental illness know all too well is what I call: "The Basement".
The Basement is a scary, lonely, desolate place like the kind of basement you would see in an abandoned (and likely haunted) house in the movies, except this one isn't one you can run up the stairs, open the door, and escape from. This basement is one that lives inside of you, in your mind... Devouring the light in it's darkness and threatening to keep you trapped forever.
It's a terrifying place to be and a place that those struggling with mental illness dwell in frequently. The Basement is not kind to the soul that dwells there. It is a ruthless, shame-filled, devastating place. It manifests thoughts that keep you stranded there, like:
"Why can't I just open the door and leave? What's wrong with me?"
"How do I get out of here? Why am I so stuck? There must be something wrong with me."
"I'm going to die down here."
It's hard to imagine ever escaping the basement when you're down there because you can hardly see what's right in front of you, let alone try to navigate a way out.
At times, your loved ones shout down to you in The Basement, encouraging you to come upstairs, but you can't. How can you when you can't even find the stairs?
So eventually, after days (or weeks... or months...) of searching have worn out the last of your energy reserves: you collapse. You have nothing left to give because the darkness has stolen it all from you.
The calls from your loved ones seem further and further away. The stairs are a distant memory. Your will to try to leave the basement has disappeared. And you are left with your negative thoughts, self-doubts, and worst fears to keep you company in the dark.
As I mentioned, The Basement is a lonely, excruciating, and scary place.
It is not uncommon for people struggling with mental illness to spend days, weeks, months, or even years in The Basement until they are finally able to escape.
Sometimes the "escapes" are fleeting and they experience freedom from the darkness for a small period of time and others are more permanent with only brief trips back down to The Basement. Sometimes they make it halfway up the stairs and they can see the light pouring through the crack under the door, taunting them, but they can't quite make it there before the darkness swallows them up again.
I have become well acquainted with The Basement... in fact, that's where I'm hanging out right now. I haven't yet forgotten the feeling of sunlight on this particular visit, but I'm worried that that day is coming soon. This sense of impending doom is perhaps one of the worst feelings that comes with your time in The Basement. The feeling that you could be stuck here for longer than you have been before... maybe even forever. The soul does not rest easy while that thought plagues the mind.
So what do you do when you've taken up residence in The Basement? How do you ask for help? How do you find the stairs?
From my extended periods of time down here, I've learned a few things:
1. Be Kind To Yourself - the darkness won't be so you need to take any extra energy you have inside you to do at least one thing for yourself a day that nurtures the flickering light inside of you. Even something small like picking up your favourite candy from the store on your way home from work, reading a chapter in your favourite book, cuddling your fur baby, or listening to a song that brings you joy. Do something. Anything. Do it for you.
2. Talk About It - to a friend, a therapist, a family member, a partner, a support group, a trusted colleague... someone. Tell someone you are in The Basement and you feel stuck. Ask for help. They may not know all the answers or the way out, but at least they can talk to you through the door to remind you that you're not alone.
3. Don't Give Up - this one is the hardest. It's so easy to throw in the towel when all you can remember being surrounded by is darkness. Every fibre of your being is screaming at you to succumb to the darkness and just live out the rest of your days in The Basement, but you need to resist. You need to keep fighting. It's exhausting. It sucks. It's tear-inducing, frustrating, aggravating, depressing, (insert negative adjectives here)... frankly, it's bullshit... but, unfortunately, it's necessary. You don't deserve to only know the darkness. You deserve to feel the light again. You owe it to yourself to find those stairs and to escape from The Basement. Eventually, if you keep searching long enough, you'll find that first step again.
The bottom line is that The Basement is one of the worst places you will ever visit. If you've never been there, I am grateful for you... but if you have, I understand. Please don't give up. Keep searching for the way back to the light. Keeping feeling around for the things that feel familiar, that feel like they will lead you to the stairs.
If you know someone who is living in The Basement right now, reach out. Offer your love and support. Don't try to "fix it" or "snap them out of it". Just be there. Listen. Empathize. Offer suggestions that may lead them to a way out, but don't profess to know the route to the stairs. Don't be forceful or judgemental. Be the light peeking out from under the door at the top of the stairs gently guiding them upwards. Be waiting for them when they emerge. Be there.
Go bravely, dear warriors.
