To The Boy Who Hurt Me,
Since you pulled the rug out from under me and blindsided me with your sudden desire to remove me from your life while refusing to have a discussion about it, I have resorted to writing you a letter that you will probably never read in an attempt to provide myself closure and to grow through this pain.
It is clear to me now that I put up with so much more than I should have. The truth is, I didn't believe I deserved more because I come with "baggage" in the form of mental illness, and how can someone who isn't "perfect" demand to be treated with the same decency, love, and respect as everyone else? (Welcome to the mind of someone battling mental illness).
I ignored the warning signs even though they were decked out with hazard lights that flashed DANGER. I kept moving forward past them, even though each red flag blazed brighter than the last, because I'm not perfect so how can I expect perfection of my partner? But, through this, I have come to realize that perfection and respect in a relationship are two very different things.
You were selfish with your time and your love. You made me feel as though I was never the priority, but always the option. You embraced an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality that left me in a perpetual game of hot and cold without reprieve. You were careless with my feelings and threw out excuses to explain away these behaviours as "acceptable" and because of my own insecurities, I believed you.
I fought for your affection and attention, craving the validation that I was enough for you. Convinced that if I was enough for you that would assure me that I was enough in my being. I desperately wanted to be enough for the person that I was willing to fight for. The person whose flaws I was willing to look past. But you never fought for me. I was alone on the battlefield.
I made excuses for you... you're busy, you have a lot on your plate, you haven't been in a relationship for a long time so this is a learning curve, you're only selfish because you didn't grow up having to share with siblings, and the list goes on. I made up these excuses for you and told them to myself and to my friends when your actions (or lack thereof) made me feel unheard, devalued, and unloved.
When I finally mustered up the courage to raise my voice and stand up for myself and for what I need - and believe me, it takes courage for someone who can't always see their own worth to ask someone else to see and acknowledge it - instead of reacting like a grown up, having a productive conversation, taking responsibility for your actions, and using this as an opportunity to grow stronger together, you came in hot on the offensive.
Suddenly, I found myself under attack because the little boy inside you was afraid of being vulnerable and risking the chance he might get hurt. You stomped on my heart because you feared for the safety of your own and I see that now. While it makes me disappointed and sad for you, I am trying to understand your abrupt and careless reaction from your perspective.
I offered vulnerability in asking for what I need and instead of being received with respect and an open mind, I found myself face to face with a cold stone wall. A wall that not only shut me out, but demoralized, degraded, and negated every emotion my raw soul bared. And then, just when I thought I couldn't get any lower, you ended our relationship. On the phone. 12 hours after sending me an unsolicited message about how much you liked me... but don't worry, you cleared up the confusion over the sudden shift in emotions with the classic "I was drunk. I don't remember sending that." So, that was nice of you.
In that moment, it was the confirmation of my worst fears... I truly am not enough. I am unlovable. I don't deserve real love. The kind of love that builds you up and lifts you higher. The kind of love that pushes you to grow. The kind of love that nurtures your soul and embraces all parts of you. The kind of love they write books about. The kind of love I crave in the deepest parts of my being. No, you confirmed that the only kind of love I'm deserving of is the fast food version. The quick, mildly satisfying, but still leaves you feeling empty kind of love. The kind of love that is over as quickly as it began.
I don't understand how someone who purports to care for you can be so hurtful and can say such damaging things without provocation. I'm sorry for the anger and fear that must reside inside you to cause you to react the way in which you did. I'm sorry that you are unwilling to grow and refuse to accept the love and help available to you.
Upon crawling to my tribe, crushed and gasping for air between sobs, I was met with a resounding wake up call. I came to head to head with the realization that this outcome and this behaviour has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you... and while the demons in my head are doing their best not to let me believe that, I'm doing my best not to listen to them.
I'm feeling a lot of things right now. I'm grieving the loss of what I had hoped our relationship could be. Feeling despair over the rejection of the most vulnerable parts of me. Harbouring anger towards you and the callous manner in which you handled this, but also anger towards myself for allowing you to have this power over me to hurt me so much.
Now, you may think that this letter is one aimed at shaming or hurting you, but really it is one to say thank you.
Thank you for showing me your true colours before I invested more of my heart into you and our relationship. I've struggled with feeling upset with myself for loving so freely, but I am starting to understand that this is one of the most beautiful qualities about me and one that will be appreciated by the person I am supposed to be with.
Thank you for teaching me that a person's inability to see my worth does not make me worthless. A complete disregard for my feelings does not mean that they are not valid; it is a reflection of the lack of compassion and emotional intelligence in the person who fails to listen to them.
Thank you for reaffirming that I should listen to my gut when the alarm bells first go off. To trust my woman's intuition and to not be swayed by my tendency to try to cultivate the best in others at the expense of myself. To realize that it is not my job to sacrifice my happiness and go without the things I need in an effort to try to make things work. Especially when the effort is not returned.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to reclaim my power. For presenting me this "rising from the ashes" moment to grow through the pain and come out stronger, more self-assured, and fiercely passionate about standing up for what I believe in.
But, most of all, thank you for removing yourself from my life to make room for someone who will celebrate my worth. Thank you for setting me free and for saving me from the agony that would accompany the disappointment of investing more of my energy into you at the sacrifice of my own mental well-being. I must remind myself that as much as I am hurting right now, I will come out stronger for it, more able to assert my needs in future relationships, and possessing a deeper sense of pride in the woman I am becoming. It is not easy, but I'm working on it.
Thank you for this opportunity for growth. Thank you for reminding me that finding and feeling my worth starts with me. That I must feel it in my soul that I am enough by learning to love myself instead of relying on the external validation of another. Thank you for catapulting me into the next chapter of my journey. While I don't appreciate the bumpy landing, I'm used to bruises and these too will heal.
I am hurt, but I am strong. And if I haven't broken after everything I've been through, the loss of someone who was too scared to love me back certainly won't be my demise.
I wish you growth, I wish you the strength to challenge your shortcomings, and I wish you happiness when you are ready for it.
Thank you for the lessons. With time, I will forgive you for the pain you caused to teach me them.
Sincerely,
The Girl You Hurt But Didn't Break