A Glimpse Into The Mind Of Someone Battling Mental Illness.
I am drowning. In a sea of depthless apathy, splashing tidal wave after tidal wave of alternating emotional turmoil and emptiness into my lungs. Refusing to let me catch my breath... Meeting each rattled inhale with a new wave of purposelessness. Sometimes the sadness or the anger comes, a break from the total lack of feeling I tread water in, like a breeze across the ocean's surface... a fleeting reminder that some feelings still exist. Even if those feelings are unpleasant ones.
I am drowning. In the piles of untouched responsibilities scattered around my home. Unacknowledged chores, unread emails, uncompleted to-do lists, unsorted mail; all one mounting wave threatening to crash down around me at any moment, reminding me of my uselessness as a human being, and ready to crush the last shard of will left in my being.
I am drowning. In a two-pronged attack of avoidance and isolation. The clever temptresses that steer me further into the depths away from the shore. I know that this is the game they play, yet I cannot help but give into it. Even though it exhausts me, I follow them into the expanse.
I am drowning. In a flood of absent motivation, failed commitments, abandoned plans, and lost hours. Mutely struggling to break free of the current that pulls me down, but lacking the strength to do so. Deeper it pulls me and further into the spiral I sink until I'm resting in a ship graveyard of abandoned dreams and broken promises.
I am drowning. In a storm of negative thoughts, self-loathing, debilitating anxiety, and complete apathy for the things that once brought me joy. Struggling to keep my head above the surface while being barraged by the winds of disappointment, failure, and upset. Winds that howl my darkest thoughts through my very core, convincing me that all hope is lost.
Now, there are moments where I think - maybe I'm not drowning - when I catch a glimpse of the horizon over the churning sea. A point to work towards; to focus my efforts. Sometimes it's a life raft tossed from a nearby boat, coaxing me towards safety, but laying just beyond my reach no matter how hard I swim towards it. The ship's crew unable to make it closer because of the unsafe conditions; afraid to be capsized into the depths themselves.
Then, in a moment, it is all washed away and the familiar, bitter taste of disappointment and failure charges into my face and I'm unsure if the horizon was ever really there to begin with; if the raft even existed. Maybe it was all a hallucination... a "wouldn't it be nice if" moment... fleeting, wistful, and beyond grasp.
When you're struggling with mental illness, you constantly yearn to be back on dry land or, at the very least, to have some piece of driftwood to hold onto to give your exhausted mind, body, and soul a break from treading. So often you feel as though you are completely alone with no help in sight and your hope grows as bleak as the shadowy water that surrounds you.
Most days I am pulled under by the tides of my despair. Desperately searching for something to grab hold to. Something that will save me from my plight.
Maybe it's an ocean of darkness, maybe it's a fog, or a dark storm cloud overhead... however it manifests, mental illness is a painful disease that fully takes over and distorts every thought, feeling, and breath a person has. It can be completely debilitating on it's worst days - taking away all motivation, energy, strength, and will a person has to even get out of bed, let alone get things done that day. Even on the days when one manages to muster up the strength and courage to kick off the sheets and brave the day, the threat of drowning follows them everywhere. Watching every move for it's opportunity... a tsunami waiting for it's moment to strike.
We live in fear of this drowning. Knowing the pain and desolate anguish it brings, not wanting to succumb to it. This in itself can be just as emotionally exhausting as the actual drowning. Making the smallest task or decision seem like a life or death situation for fear that the wrong move will send you hurtling back into the depths.
So if you know someone who is drowning, send them a life raft. Paddle towards them. Know that this will be a battle that is long and hard, but one that they need you to fight with them. Because, I promise you, drowning alone in the middle of the ocean is just as fun as it sounds. Whether it's a "thinking of you" text message, a small surprise that reminds you of them, listening to them when they speak without trying to "fix" them or the situation, or a longer than normal hug when you see them... do something to let them know that they are not alone. You are not going to let them drown. You care and you are coming for them.
Even if we can't reach the raft right away. Don't give up on us. Keep paddling. Eventually, one of us will reach the other.
And warriors? Just keep swimming. Even when every fibre of your being is screaming at you to give up... To give in to the depths. Just keep swimming. Help is on its way.
