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  • Writer's pictureDancing With Darkness

10 Things You Shouldn't Say To A Person Struggling With Depression

Updated: May 22, 2019

A list of questions, phrases, and statements to avoid when communicating with someone who suffers from depression.



In 2011 a staggering statistic emerged from research done for the Mental Health Commission of Canada that revealed that 1 in 5 Canadians will experience a mental health issue in their lifetime. One in five. That means that out of you and your four closest friends the chances are that at least one of you will struggle with a mental health issue. Furthermore, the American Psychiatric Association found that 1 in 6 people (16.6% of the population) will experience depression in their lifetime, making this particular mental illness one of the most pervasive around the world. Studies have also shown that one third of women will have a major depressive episode in their lifetime.


So with mental illness being so prevalent in today's day and age why is there still such a stigma surrounding it? Why do so many look down on those who struggle and fail to see their diagnoses as what they are - an illness rather than a weakness? These are questions that I could spend ages trying to answer here, but I would argue that the most important question remains: how can we end the stigma?


"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" - Ian Maclaren

In an attempt to help smash the stigma and to encourage mindfulness when approaching the topic of mental illness, I've compiled a list of 10 statements you should avoid using when talking with someone with depression. In general, all of these statements could be avoided when dealing with all fellow human beings to be more kind and compassionate in our communication with others.




1) "I Know How You Feel"


Unless you have also been diagnosed with depression please do not purport to "know" how someone who is struggling with depression feels. Depression is classified in the DSM-V and it's associated feelings (or lack thereof) are much more severe than the average "bad day" or "low period", often lasting for an extended period of time. This is not to say that all major depressive episodes are diagnosed, but there is a stark difference between "feeling blue" and being clinically depressed. Let us establish that very clearly.


One of the worst things someone can say to you when you are struggling with depression is that they know how you feel when you know they can't even begin to understand the depth of your despair unless they too have experienced it. The last thing someone with depression wants is to hear you launch into a story about how you struggled that one time with that one thing, but are a stronger and better person for it. As someone with depression, it can be so hard to see that silver lining when you're living in the proverbial basement. Moreover, having others compare their struggles to yours can be an excruciating experience when you are aware that they have little to no concept of what you're actually experiencing.


Grief and sadness are very real and painful emotions, but they are not the same as depression. It is important to know and to understand the difference, especially before making comparisons.



2) "You Have Nothing To Be Depressed About"


Spoiler alert: many cases of depression have little to no influence from situational and environmental factors. Most people who are depressed suffer from the illness as a result of chemical imbalances in their brain. So while it may seem like they have "nothing to be depressed about", their brain may be suffering from an imbalance in their biochemistry that contributes to the way they are feeling. Beyond that, genetics, personality, and environmental factors can also play a role in influencing a person's mood and depression. Several of these influencers you may have little to no knowledge of as they may or may not be visible so please be mindful of this before passing judgement.


It is virtually impossible for someone with depression to see their own life from your perspective. They view their existence as futile and purposeless as the darkness covers their world, taking all of their perceived value from them. Depression affects the way a person feels about themselves, how they interact with others, and the way they view the world around them. So if you tell a person with depression that they have "nothing to be depressed about", you are effectively telling them that their feelings are unfounded and they are flawed for feeling them. Which, by the way, they already acutely feel as two of the most common symptoms of depression are feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing... so they really don't need you to highlight that for them.



3) "You Shouldn't/Can't Be Depressed Because..."


This statement is even worse than the aforementioned one. Not only does it indicate that the person you are saying this to is not allowed to feel the way they are feeling (which, as we've established, they have little to no control over), it highlights attributes of themselves and their lives they are no longer able to see. Pointing out what you believe to be obvious positives in their life draws their attention to their inability to see these things and makes them feel even worse about themselves.


So please avoid telling the depressed person(s) in your life that they shouldn't or, even worse, can't be depressed because they are so ________ (insert adjective here: smart, attractive, talented, well-off, successful, etc.). Their inability to see these positive attributes in themselves will just send them further into the shroud of darkness. The same darkness that makes it impossible for them to see the good in themselves in the first place.




4) "Snap Out Of It"


Suggesting that someone with depression should just "snap out of it" might be one of the most inconsiderate things you could say. Depression is not just a passing phase or state of mind, it is a debilitating illness that creates a negative shift in mood lasting a minimum of two weeks in order to be diagnosed.


If you have never been diagnosed with depression, imagine the worst day you have ever had and how that plummeted your mood. Now imagine on top of that low mood, losing all of your energy and motivation to complete your daily responsibilities. Now add on to that the complete loss of enjoyment of everything in your life that you love to the point that everything around you and all that you do seems meaningless and without purpose.


You now have a semblance of an understanding of what every day in the life of someone with depression feels like. Often all of this is beyond their control and without a seeming source for this loss of feeling, isolating numbness, and debilitating sadness. So before you tell a depressed person to "snap out of it" try to remember that.



5) "You Don't Look Depressed"


Here's the thing, most people who struggle with mental illness become expert role players as a result of trying to protect themselves from judgement. I like to call it wearing the mask. A mask that portrays that "everything is fine" and, moreover, that they are fine. This is often a coping and protective measure to prevent the effects of the stigma society has towards mental illness.


Often, those who struggle appear no different than the next person. Exhausting their energy reserves each day to play the role of the "normal", "happy", and "well-adjusted" person those around them have come to know. Wearing this mask day-in and day-out is more exhausting than you could imagine. Usually this exhaustion contributes to a depressed person's tendency to cancel plans and isolate themselves from their friends and family.


The problem with mental illness not being a "visible" disease is that there are usually few external indicators that alert those closest to them that they are struggling. The better they are at wearing the mask, the worse their symptoms can get before anyone realizes that something is wrong. There is no cast, no bruise, no hair loss from chemotherapy that signifies someone is depressed so, unless they tell you, you are unlikely to know that someone is suffering.


As mental health awareness slowly becomes more status-quo, some are finding the strength to shed their mask and give a glimpse into the darkness they dance with but there is still so much work to do.



6) "Choose To Be Happy Instead"


Okay, I cannot express enough how much you need to avoid this statement. Telling a depressed person to "look on the bright side", "choose to be happy instead", "stop being sad", or "find the silver lining" could be one of the worst approaches you can take in trying to help someone who is struggling.


The problem with depression is that it completely skews the person's view of themselves, others, and the world around them and makes it essentially impossible to "see the good". No amount of telling a depressed person to look for the positive is going to make them be able to see it. In fact, it is going to have the completely opposite effect and highlight the fact that they can't see it, making them feel like even more of a useless and broken human being.


While it may be true that there is good in the situation or that it will get better, pointing this out to a depressed person is not going to have the desired effect nor will it be helpful for their state of mind.




7) "You'll Get Over It"


Much along the same lines of the previous point, telling a depressed person that they'll "get over it" or "things will get better" can have the opposite of the desired effect. This is due to the fact that they are unable to see their life from your perspective and have a proverbial veil of darkness shrouding everything around them. How they view the world and themselves is completely altered by this veil and no amount of telling them otherwise is going to change that.


Depression is like a never-ending tunnel of darkness with no light at the end. Telling a depressed person that the light is just around the corner isn't going to make them see it. It will just make them focus on the fact that they can't.



8) "Are You Still Depressed?"


I know, I know. This one sounds like a no-brainer question to avoid asking someone with depression, but the sad truth is that this question gets asked more than one would think and often not in a way that is intended to hurt.


It is okay to care about someone's well-being and want to help them through their suffering, but please be mindful of how you phrase your questions. Instead, try questions like "how have you been feeling lately?" and "have you noticed any changes in your mood?". Avoid questions that use targeted or accusatory language like "still" that suggest to a depressed person that they are flawed for feeling this way and shouldn't be.



9) "Stop Being Dramatic"


If a person with depression chooses to open up to you and is able to aptly describe what they are feeling, a lot of what they are going to say that they are feeling is going to sound so intense it might sound unbelievable. How can a person possibly be feeling that incredibly low and that empty for so long? How is that possible? It is. Depression is an evil illness that sucks the joy out of everything you once loved and creates a void in your soul that stretches wider than the eye could see.


Accusing someone with depression that what they are describing is "unrealistic" or that they are "being dramatic" is the quickest way to get them to shut down all lines of communication. No one wants to be told that what they are experiencing isn't real or that the person they are reaching out to doesn't believe them.


A person with depression needs all the love and compassion you can muster because they are incapable of giving it to themselves. Even if you can't relate to what they are saying, please find the empathy in you to acknowledge that what they are feeling is real and painful.



10) "It Can't Be That Bad"


You are not living their truth so you are not in a position to judge whether what they are feeling is "that bad". Perception is reality and trust me when I say that a depressed person's reality is much darker than you could ever imagine.


Just as you would likely not appreciate someone minimizing a struggle you were going through, someone with depression does not appreciate being told that the darkness they live in is not as bad as they think it is.




So what can you say to someone struggling with depression? Well, that's something we'll delve deeper into in a future post, but the best question you can ask someone with depression is "what can I do to help?" or "what do you need from me?". More often than not they won't have an answer for you, but knowing that someone cares and isn't judging them for feeling the way they are feeling makes more of a positive difference than you'll ever know.


Create a safe and judgement-free space for your friends and family to express themselves in. Ask questions about your loved ones' lives and really listen to the answers. Often someone with depression will give subtle hints that they are struggling to those who listen for them. Look for shifts in mood or behaviour over a prolonged period of time. If you suspect that someone you know is struggling, reach out to them and let them know they are not alone without trying to pry before they are ready to open up.


Know that while you may mean well with many of your comments and suggestions, depression is such a powerful mental illness that it clouds one's perceptions of how others feel about them. So a seemingly "harmless" comment can be viewed as a personal attack or used as reinforcement of the depressed person's self-perceived worthlessness and can contribute to the problem rather than helping it.


In general, please be mindful of the things you say to everyone and be kind and compassionate in your interactions. A little empathy goes a long way in today's day and age.


Go bravely, friends.


Yours,

Dancing With Darkness

xo


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